santa baby

me: he's prepping for a bj and hasn't anyone told you that girls ADORE giving bjs?
Bryan: Oh is that for everyone they get that excited? I thought they just really appreciated my unit
me: we LOVE to jam things that have been sweating in polyester all day into our most delicate orifices full of bacteria!
Bryan: I think I like you a little less now that I know how much you resent things

ponce

Bryan: oh pervy is all I know

But generally more tasteful than my earlier statement

(monocle)

me: LOL

i am a most tasteful purveyor of the clam

Bryan: See now I sound like some sort of cross between an english prince and a sailor

rosie 2.0

Bryan: fuck robots that can make a goddamn pancake, when are we going to have the robot that cleans up the mixing bowl and wipes down the counters?

google moon

Bryan: But anyway let me tell you about salted cod pieces. I assume that Newfies must drink sea water instead of fizzy water. Those salted cod pieces are the saltiest thing I've ever eaten, and I've once eaten a whole bowl of salt
Bryan: I think I went blind in one eye after a few pieces

but not out loud, sadly

Bryan: Someone else today asked me what color the server was. Is it that big black box over in the respiratory office?
"I don't know I've never been on site or seen the server"
Well how do you not know what color it is at least?
(silence)
Well?
"Oh sorry I thought that question was rhetorical"

Bryan: but then they got all mad when I said that there was no place to plug in the interface

like that was my problem
Bryan: they don't even have Helix!
Bryan: that's like me calling Lockheed-Martin and complaining that there's no AUX jack on my 4Runner's stereo

Bryan: the best part is that all these calls are on speakerphone so as soon as I start to answer someone in the room invariably wants to add something to the question, so they talk over me because the use a half duplex speakerphone and I have to repeat my answer
Bryan: "You want to start testing?"
N----(o I just need to know what ports)
"We're not ready for testing yet probably"
N----(o I just need to know what ports)
"What all is involved in the testing because I can get someone to come in on their day off and help you"
I ju--(st need to know what ports)
"Our project plan will have to be submitted immediately too to get it oked by the hospital, can we do this after hours?"
I'm n(ot ready for testing yet!)

freshly ground

Bryan: I was just looking into my new nerd mouse and staring at the laser wondering what color the laser is when it is flat on the desk because clearly the laser turns off when you pick it up. Let me look closer. Yes definitely off.
Bryan: Then I read below it "DANGER: Invisible laser radiation. Do not view directly with naked eye"

because apparently this one uses an infrared laser
Bryan: which I shot into my eye

honey honey, how you thrill me

me: who's the jihad against? the po-po? i'm on board
Bryan: What do we want? The police to come to us when we have an accident! When do we want it? Within an acceptable time frame!
I can't hear you, please don't fire your gun while issuing demands

ree ba la

Siemens: yeah we use your tool for viewing HL7 messages
Me: what? what tool
S: Yours, for viewing HL7 messages
M: I have no idea what you're talking about
S: It is a program and it lets you look at HL7 messages, it's really good
M: Notepad?

Bryan: Oh man I think some people just call to screw with me.
Customer: "(British accent) Oh hellloooo, sir. I would like Helix to send all the parameters, regardless of if they were sent by the analyzer
Me: Ok, which parameters should I send?
C: All of them

Me: Yes, but what are they, like, the whole list you're expecting.
C: Well just if they aren't there, send them anyway
Me: So if I don;'t see something, I should send it?
C: Yeah!

Me: How will I know it isn't there if I don't see it?
C: It won't be there, and if it isn't there you should send it.

take a walk on the wild side

Bryan: I had this idea at lunch where I would get one of those whole car stickers, "wraps" I think they call them so my car looks like it is from the local cable company and I go around fixing widows' cable

But I didn't think they'd make me one with a trademarked company name so instead of BrightHouse Networks, I'd have to get like BightHouse
and the other side would say Verison, just in case they don't have BightHouse Cable

me: LOL
why do you want to go into peoples' windows? i've missed something
Bryan: widows' not windows. Did I say windows?
No I didn't. WIDOWS

Mike: At some point you just have to accept that he's not going to, and let it go

me: SO HARD

Mike: Not really, send more schoolgirl pics

fresh wind in her hair

Bryan: I guess, I thoguht thwa wasa why i mentio nedi t
me: whoa whoa paintful typing there
Bryan: I typed that in your dialect so you'd take the time to read it

pound it down

coworker: but i'm not driving back
me: i drove back last year and got a $300 ticket so i refuse
coworker: yeah but i'll be drunk. i'm going to continue drinking until 4am!
me: but aren't you old? how do you do it? i'm 25 and i can't do it!
coworker: yeah but i have nothing else to look forward to in my life

me: when did i start working here?

Bryan: 1929. I remember because my sticks went down

Bryan: stocks too
Bryan: I wore an onion on my belt

know why?
Bryan: because it was the style at the time

Bryan: not a white onion, a red one, on account of the white ones all being used in the wat

war
Bryan: back then a red onion'd cost ya 3 for a nickel, "give me 3 onions for a hogger" because the nickel had a pig on it which was used to help settle the west.

But it wans't made from nickel at all, a hogger was actually made from steel because of the war you see
Bryan: oh but the onions and my old pal Stanley McGee went down to the general store to get some change to use in the sody pop machine when we came across a travelling salesman offering us 4 red onions for half a hogger
Bryan: Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo was his name, I remember that because my mother's name was Joey through an interesting turn of events that transpired around the turn of the century

two and a half men

Bryan: 3 and 4 year olds can't play sports, I dunno what this article is talking about

me: holy crap boy is 3 already?

(i forget his name)

Bryan: ummm .... good question

me: LMFAO

worst. uncle. ever.

urfin!

Bryan: Google just released their new voice control software yesterday so I installed it on my phone. Now it doesn't just do a google search OR a contact search, now it combines the two so when I said "call dad on mobile" it gets my current location, googles something, understands I said "call" and suggests "Call Florida Southern College?" and "Call The University of Tampa?"
A whole new level of misdialing keith at home is about to begin

me: Inquiry:
---------
Hi. Is there any discount for purchasing a case as opposed to individual
bottles? Can a case be of mixed wines? Is delivery available to Ottawa?

Thanks!
Kelsa

Dear Kelsa

Free with one case. It is simplest to come to the winery.

Regards,
Bert Andrews

Bryan: hahahahahahhaa

me: ... it's free because i come to the winery?
Bryan: "I have been all day winery"

translation: I drink a lot of the product

"When assembling skuvnaar, it is best to be two people"

me: wtf are you going on about

Bryan: your response

me: not MY response

Bryan: well except the last line

the response you got
me: LMFAO wait, the first kelsa is the last line of my inquirty

btw

Bryan: what? how is this confusing at all?

Dude Says: Free with one case. It is simplest to come to the winery.
If he had typed another sentence it might have been: "I have been all day winery"
Which I think means: I [Bert] drink a lot of the product

which reminds me of how the instructions from Ikea are:
When assembling skuvnaar, it is best to be two people
me: a) you never told me ikea shit so HAHAH that's funny and now you understand dammit

b) why on earth would that be his next sentence?

c) free? free delivery with one case but come to the winery to pic it up?
Bryan: because his first sounds like he sucked on a big bag full of paint before he typed it

me: "free with one case?"

Bryan: yeah it lacks an object!

you asked like 4 questions and he says "free with 1 case!"

whatever I give up

brewskie

Bryan: call amex, find out what the problem is, they need the bank to verify, shit the bank doesn't have this address. Call the bank get them to change the address, well we can only change one of your 3 addresses, ok change that one then, try to explain how to spell corkwood several times. CORK WOOD. Sporknude? CORKWOOD. Sherwood? ffs.

9 or 10's too suspicious.

Bryan: On the new road to / from work, there is a section of the 1.75 lane road where it makes a quick S turn where the recommended speed is 15 mph. Well on this turn the other morning there was a cow standing in the middle, increasing the difficulty of the maneuver....

schadenfreude

Bryan: LOL who slaps their knee
me: thigh, not knee
Bryan: sorry I was trying to talk at the same time

Bryan: I actually said "LOL who slaps their finances" but caught it before I hit enter

Your decimal system has played right into my hands!

me: bryan says i'm a dead snob about education, but marco thinks i'm completely justifeid so what do i know
Bryan: about education? (you want to laugh? I just typed edjucation)
I even tried to figure out where the j was supposed to go. Edu...j... no. Edgu? no Education... wait there is no j in there

queefster

"While this may be the first documented case of a serious vuvuzela injury, frequent tooters have already reported grossly swollen “vuvuzela lips.” "

Bryan: oh oh USA soccer hooligans outside are shouting obscenities at the foreigners
this will certainly end well

me: "hurr hurr my fat ass vaguely somewhat supports this soccer team once every year and our team is better than YOUR team, fatasses!

wait which team are we again NO MATTER, WE ARE THE CHAMPIIIIONS, MY FRIIIIENDS"

Bryan: LOL
that's pretty much what it sounds like but add more sudden changes in topic
me: " AND WE BEAT YOU IN 'NAM, TOO "
Bryan: it's calmed down out there, now it is just occasional muttering and a "fuckin' U S A, man" every so often
me: me: i love people who bring up eons-old wars about it, too
"HURR! TAKE THAT, MING DYNASTY SUPPORTERS!"
"BLOODY ROMANS JUST THINKING YOU CAN WALTZ IN AND TAKE OUR COUNTRY. WELL TAKE THAT "
Bryan: hahahah yeah romans ete domus, go USA!
me: "COLUMBUS, REPRESENT!"
Bryan: WOOOOOO Custer's Revenge! Take that India

he works from nine to five and then

Bryan: but then they put me on the girls team and then they got disqualified because I was not a girl, but I claimed to play like one
Bryan: I did feel uncomfortable because I didn't know if all the girls knew I wasn't a girl

because, you see, I had a ballerina skirt on

the perfect disguise

radio arabella

me: Folklore in the Mi'kmaq First Nation claims that the tides in the Bay of Fundy are caused by a giant whale splashing in the water.

Bryan: I always thought a fundy was either a kooky christian fundamentalist or a pair of underwear two people wore at once

Equine Shenanigans

Mike: You know how teenagers get when their hormones start going crazy

just can't keep them apart

You go to bed, they sneak out of the stable and have crazy bonfire parties in the yard.

You wake up to horses laying out all over the place, empty ketamine syringes and troughs full of fermented apples

Winnipeg seems nice this time of year

me: His dam, Winnie's Tash, is a granddaughter of Seattle Slew.

tell me you didn't just read that as "winne's trash"

Bryan: none of those words made sense to me

I read it as "Hi Dam, Winnie's Trash, is a granddaughter out of Seattle. Stew"

prithee

Bryan: "2 hot dogs, cut into medallions"
any recipe that starts with this must be awesome
(monocle) have you tried the hot dog medallions m'lady?

Wii tennis arms

me: Lyndsay Young became a fan of I hate when i get hay in my bra.
Bryan: I hate finding hay in a girl's bra too
Especially if the reason is that my date is actually made from hay
Mike: I hate getting hay in my pants. Cause then when I have to go to the bathroom it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Bryan: Yeah they left to go get some c-c-c-c-c-cocaine and I said I wouldn't be there when they got back
So it is nice to see that I can still attract reputable broads

-- Widescreen 16:9 format, native resolution 1280x720, accepts input up to 1920x1080i.
-- Technology is LCD Projection, user-replaceable lamp.
-- Dimensions 48.3 x 35.2 x 17 inches (W x H x D) supposedly 113lbs but I can tell you it weighs less than my girlfriend.
-- Inputs 3x Component, 2x Composite/SVideo, 1x HDMI on the back / 1x VGA, 1x Composite/SVideo on the front, SD Card slot for viewing photos of your girlfriend.
-- Built in tuner ATSC/NTSC/QAM w/ CableCard slot, but good luck getting an NTSC signal since the digital switch.
-- Built-in speakers so you can hear your MTV or whatever you kids these days watch.
-- Panasonic "universal" remote. Batteries included too for your 3V AA pleasure.
-- Original printed manual featuring your choice of language, as long as that choice is English.

Bonus! I'll also throw in a Logitech Harmony 520 universal remote, the remote so nice it makes you want to slap your mama.
-- Programmable over USB (cable included) and the power of the Internet to work with all your current devices.
-- Activity-based operation is not like the remote that came with your cable box, your parents will actually be able to turn on your TV when they visit.
-- Has buttons on the front, battery door (4x AAA, not included) on the back.
-- Lights up, LCD screen, 4 hard buttons around the LCD.

Double bonus (holy smokes!)
-- 6ft HDMI v1.3 cable to get you started.

You come pick it up. Cash only. No I will not take a 3rd party check for more than the sale price and give you cash, unless you are President Motubo of Zimbabwe.

Bryan: haha remember those siemens with the half priced helix from yesterday?
well they just called and offered an even better deal
Bryan: "The customer *needs* Helix"
Me: that's what I hear, but it costs X
"I know but they're not going to pay for it, but they really need it. So can you just do it as a favor for us instead?
So now we've gone from 1/2 price to absolutamente gratis!

Bryan: I want to write copy for VS because it seems like a pretty easy job that you can do with those refrigerator magnets that have words on them if you buy the "sexy, flirty, strechy, lacy" expansion pack

Bryan: And keith just came to me and casually said: "Hey you know how you're not doing anything? Well wouldn't it be nice if Helix could make and transmit PDF files?"
Bryan: It would also be nice if it had an MMORPG inside it that hospital people could play and we could collect subscriptions


Bryan: I'm going to Orlando to hang out with my sister and her dumb kids this weekend
me: oh god
Bryan: yeah pretty sweet eh?
me: happy birthday, listen to some screaming!
why did you agree to that!
Bryan: on the plus side I'm one year older now so maybe I'll die soon

Bryan: yeah mount means to melt the butter while whisking on and off heat so it never gets to simmer or else all the acid makes the sauce turn to a motherfucking greek tragedy

HEY THIS HELIX IS GOLLY

Bryan: Oh lordie these people. Helix runs a GUI scripting interface, which means there's a computer that noone can touch because Helix uses the mouse and keyboard. So someone comes along and tries to use this computer to brows the web, but helix keeps trying to launch the hospital software so it can enter results
Bryan: so the enterprising webbrowsing individual uninstalls the hospital software to prevent it from popping up
Bryan: I guess the desktop wallpaper that said in big red letters DO NOT USE THIS MACHINE FOR ANY PURPOSE wasn't to their liking either because they changed that to the pretty windows hills
me: did they offer up all their stupid actions or did you have to give a questionnaire?
Bryan: no I looked around and found that someone ran the uninstaller over the weekend and prior to that and after that they were browsing the web looking for pot roast recipes
Bryan: So figure out who had pot roast on Sunday and you've got your person who should be fired for .... I dunno you just don't want someone who does that on your staff. Oh I need to make a latte so I'll unplug this respirator for a while

Bryan: but handsomest man ever who I will gladly caress with mouth, you ask, "Won't they freeze in a giant unthawable block?"
Stop you're making me blush, but that's right!
The solution being to lay the slices out on a sheet pan and freeze them then once they're hard you dump them into a freezer bag

senile shotguns

me: trivia question today was "how many stars on the american flag"
Bryan: 13! well and one for Haiti. oh wait 26 if you count the ones on the back too, and then 24 printed in invisible thread for our shadow provinces. So I guess that makes 50 total

me: HOW MANY AMERICAN STATES ARE THERE
Brian: At least 1.
Oh wait, I thought that said "How many american states hate me"
Jeez, I need caffiene

Brian: I'm sorry, the states are mostly useless!
Each state itself, not the country.
Brian: It's like why keep track, there's only 5 or 6 anyone ever wants to go to!

Brian: Haha, what a meathead. The only thing you should put in your mouth at parties is your own alcohol or other people's body parts.

baby, i do

Bryan: yeah apparently someone gave it to me friday night and its primary function is to make sure every solid and fluid in your body is forcibly ejected through an orifice every 30 minutes or so, starting at 5am
me: and you tell ME to stop sleeping with homeless people.
Bryan: he said he knew you

narco's show horses' names

Allah Alfalfa, in deference to the 9/11 Budweiser commercial
Commodore64
Time to Touch
Sir Loin
MC Clip Clop

chicachica

Bryan: LOL at technobeats
everything comes with technobeats now
Helix 2 point technobeats-o
me: vmmf vmmf vmmf vmmf IN-SERT BLOOD NOW vmmf vmmf vmmf vmmf NOW OXY-GEN READINGS vvmf vmmf vmmf vmmf WHAT IS PATIENT NAME OH YEAH YEAH vmmf vmmf vmmf cmmf
Bryan: Doot doot doot DATE Of birth oot ootoot
me: ERR-OR, ERR-OR, mmtzz mmtzz mmtzz mmtzz
Bryan: W-w-w-w-w-w-weeping

me: mike says i'm snobby sometimes!
Bryan: when are you snobby? you drink wine from an IV bag
Bryan: just because you like horses and tiaras doesn't mean you're snobby

a day at the office

coworker, talking to another coworker on the phone about a site visit on federal army land:

"no keys??!"
(pause)
"well can you break in?"
(pause)
"well do you have a sledgehammer?"

Mike: hmm, I almost quoted Pocahontas to a coworker
i forget such things are only valid in our world

discretion

Bryan: I know this is going to sound nerdy, but there is this Horse in Icecrown Citidel. This Horse is so heroic that when you start fighting trash he decides he will not go quietly into the night so he runs on over and starts attacking the zombies. A horse. Runs over. Fights zombies.
Then after the first one dies he decides discretion is the better part of valor and hoofs it from the fray. On the way back he says to himself, "I am not a horse. I an The Horse" and starts returning to the fight. About halfway back he says "neigh way" and runs away and spends the rest of the fight becoming brave then coawardly
me: LOL he just runs back adn forth?
Bryan: yeah he just starts glitching
me: I SHALL ATTACK! but i just got a hooficure. NEVERTHELESS I AM SIR SNORTSALOT! yeah but i really don't want to stain my coat.
Bryan: but why a horse would decide to help on trash I do not understand
lol a hooficure
I'm coming! But first let me get my oats
me: that story is nerdy and delightful and i am full of glee
Bryan: but whatever, he is a courageous equine
me: quite!!
where does he come from?
is he yours?
Bryan: no he's ... ambient horse?
he's just chillin by the entrance
me: and is like, ooh these humanoids often carry carrots in their pockets. i shall follow them!
Mike: It's obvious why the horse would want to help
He needs to upgrade his saddle
or bridle
maybe new PURPLE horseshoes

total eclipse of the heart

me: What follows mass as the most popular activity in U.S. Catholic churches?
Mike: Sexual Molestation of young boys?