womanly curves

Bryan: When I see Dismas that sounds like what I'm getting Todd's mother for Christmas. "Todd's mama is so ugly, when she sits on the sand at the beach cats try to bury her. Yo, merry DISmas, b1tch!"

rothstein

Bryan: or see "Werner R (2005). A massage therapist's guide to Pathology. 3rd edition. Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, Pennsylvania, USA." for information about how they are linked with connective tissue degredation

That does not sound like a reputable source of information does it?

Bryan: That's like The Strippers Guide to ROTH IRA Accounts

the spider awards

Bryan: This site is subtitled "The Most Sensual BJ on the Internet"
I assume that means there's some nice music playing in the background
me: also that it's in slo-mo
Bryan: hahahaha I bet
Bryan: LMAO slowmo

in the name of love

Bryan: I have a motorola H...820? something like that. I can hear ok on it but as with all bluetooth mics the mic is extremely shittastic and should never be used for conversation unless you're using it as a last line of communication during the zombie uprising

bob seeeeeeeeeeeger

Bryan: 5250 is fun to say because it sounds like a badass number doesn't it? (deep voice) fifty two fiftyyyy!

Bryan: (sings) and these are all the keys of the com pu ter board

Brian: You know, I wasn't gonna bang randoms for me. But I'll do it for you.

h1n1

Bryan:

Siemens: Hopsital X is complaining that their interface is not working

Me: Hopstidal X isn't one of our customers

Siemens: Ok but I can't even find the Helix service to try and restart it

Me: They're not one of our customers

Siemens: It this HL7? Can you tell if you're getting ADT?

Me: They... they don't have our software. WE're not getting anything because we're not installed there

Siemens: So can you call their IS department and tell them you're not getting anything?

/facepalm

pee funnels

Brian: We went to a movie last night!
It was that one with Gerald Buttler.
And I was sitting right in the middle of the isle.
With a popcorn and a big coke!
And I guess you can see where this is going!
But I was just gonna hold it, but then something really sudden and surprising happened on screen. And I was like "Oh god if that happens again!" So I had to climb over everyone.

me: oh i frequently have a grotesque smile in on my face in exultant glee while clapping my hands together and wheezing

time is high

Bryan: "Will cross nicely with your horses or donkeys."
wtf does that mean?
"You can let your donkey bloit it"
me: yes
Bryan: that's an unappealing thought. Like selling an orangutan and mentioning that it could blow you

mr. sandmaaaaan

Brian: Guiena pigs don't get normal carrots?

hotel under the sun

Brian: That's what they say to rude-ass horses, didn't you know?
"You raised in a house, son? Run when I tell you!"

34 x 2, we're not doing any testpits...

me: alllllso how do i tag people
Brian: You slap them on the back really hard yell "YOU'RE IT" and run like hell.

it's not unusual

Brian: My mom keeps forwarding me pictures of my little cousins school pictures, she's going to get me put onto some watch list.

Brian: Holy balls, I wish this program would restart so I can continue to be disappointed by it.

Mike: If I were a sex forecaster, I'd say you've got a 100% precipitation chance in the vicinity of his penis.

i see a brand

Bryan: the bar across the street is having a lingerie party next week
me: REALLY
what are you wearing?
Bryan: I wouldn't wank in there without shoes on, they place is filthy
*wank - walk

Brian: Was that an interesting and exciting story about your sister, my friend, a primitive data type and a pokemon?

SVRSLY?!

William: It's amazing how colourful life is when you have paranoia issues.

me: if someone linekd you this pic what would you think they were getting you to look at? http://imgur.com/5eXuQ.jpg
Bryan: I thought it was the 4th girl from the right's (top row) shoelaces seem incredibly long. That's what I noticed first
also why do so many people have their eyes closed?
me: apparently we're suppose to check out all the bewbs
i did not realize that
Bryan: well they should have photoshopped out the crazy shoelaces then

Bryan: I haven't yet met a woman I could not disappoint
me: oh please, my life is one long disappointment to men
can i have a blowjob? no. can i have one now? still no. how about now? it's been FIVE MINUTES and it's STILL NO.
see? lots of disappointment in a short time
Bryan: What they don't know is that it is an even bigger disappointment if you say yes.

well sure

Bryan: he also said that the worst thing that could happen on a date is if a woman peed on him

me: although to be fair i've accidentally peed on someone
Brian: Yeah, and they might not have liked it.
50/50 at least!

Mike: The women in Bryan's life: Redefining the word 'easy' every day.

belleville

Mike: God is very web 2.0
He tweets too
me: holy jesus you're kidding
Mike: God: "Totally just smote that guy on 5th street, I'm so bad "

the o.c.

me: but im' telling you that i was fearing for my life when i saw all that mould

Mike: You know what I do about that

MY FUCKING DISHES!

Bryan: there's an ad in Food n' Wine where it says "Scratch and sniff" and I spent a good minute trying to ascertain if it was a hoax before I fell for it

me: (678): so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

Mike: Makes sense to me

Explains why the churches seem to produce so many missionaries as well

britches

me: i'll have to mend my breeches, damn
thank god my mom just pulled my tall boots out of storage recently
Mike: "mend my breeches" wtf is this, Little House on the Prairie?

it's easy, mmkay

Bryan: I hope my houseguests do not wander around my apartment while I sleep and read the note on my desk

or any of the notes left by other houseguests, like the one that says "Thx 4 the good time, get checked"

Bryan: I never did because get checked for what? High cholesterol? Scoliosis? Late onset albinoism? The note is unclear in this matter!

are wheat having fun yet?

me: good lord is today wednesday?
Bryan: I don't know they're all dark and lonely for me

quiet redneck mountain town

me: "to ensure the protection of the environment and __________"
waht's the word?
pplz?
peeps?
persons?
civilians?
locals?
Brian: Gophers.

Marco: madison, wisconsin
me: JESUS
me: you want to die from snow inhalation?!
Marco: it's a supar good school though
me: cuz for 9 months of the year you can't leave the building so you might as well study

BURGLE MY HAMS!

Bryan: are we talking about jobs or hookers?

Bryan: GIS for "girl hams" doesn't return hardly enough pr0n

me: "People actually enjoy feeling angry," says Ryan Martin, associate professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay, who cites studies done on people's emotions. "It makes them feel powerful, it makes them feel greater control, and they appreciate it for that reason."
NO WONDER I'M ALWAYS ENRAGED!!!
ARRRRRRRRRGH TEENY HULK SMASH
Bryan: way to self empower, snowflake
me: thank you, i work hard every day

my fear is...

me: did i ever tell you about the time i drank from a turkey baster which in turn had been filled from a box of wine?
Mike: ...I think it's time to consider AA

Mike: Never anger a man who has cum on your face.

heathens!

Jim: LORD JEBUS MADE DEM DINOSAURS 8000 YEARS AGO, DUMMEH!

Mike: Well then I think Bryan (who I have decided is a serial killer, and potentially my arch nemesis) is finally started to gain a glimpse into the chaotic swirling vortex of pure insanity that you like to call your mind.

Mike: Can't she...keep herself aroused during the downtime?
Mike: "God didn't give you them fingers just to make me sammiches"

6 legs, 6 hands, and 3 butts

Eugene: i weeded for 3 hours

not enough.

tomorrow i get 2 gipsies to help to keep up with MN

me: what's MN?

Eugene: Mother Nature, and her helpers, Torential Rain and Plenty O'Sunshine

fight for your right

me: i just don't remember being less than 10 and DOING anything
playing with barbies with friends, playing with horses, building lego things, making forts
but usually involving my sister being dressed as a dog or being the person we had to sacrifice for food
Mike: holy lord
me: what?
Mike: you sacrificed your sister for food? what were you playing? Dahmer party?

meester

Bryan: well you'll still need to birth a proposal by close of business today
me: anraregh
Bryan: that's right, I said "birth" to make you more angry
go, teeny hulk, go

plevna

me: you're a married dude with real adult problems and i'm whining about how i want a pony!
Mike: One man's trash is Kelsa's nervous breakdown.

pas de faux

Bryan: Someone wants to schedule a conference call with me for 2pm with this masterstroke of spellchecker glory "I need to set the call for 2pm, I hope this will not cause anyone any incontinence."

laaaayyyydehhhhh

Marco: at some pointy ou'll just fall into a relationship
me: ugh go nap, you depress me

Mike: Redhead is a poor man's exotic

April: "you're not a lion tamer? But I only became friends with you several years ago on the off chance that in the future I would discover that you are a lion tamer! This friendship is ruined!"

Mike: Are you sure you're not really a guy?
You have entirely too much trouble getting laid to be a female

me: yeah bryan says i'm really "unique"and i was like "you don't even know my phobia yet"
and then he fell off the bed laughing
Mike: He really has no idea what he's getting into
me: poor guy

now spill!

Mike says:
Abstinence makes the heart live longer.

chasing wild horses

Mike: Canada, only slightly better than Puerto Rico!

what would brian boitano do?

me: no i thoguht of you and sighed mentally and talked to a stranger
i thought you'd be proud
Bryan: well how did that work out? other people are mostly jerks
Bryan: sometimes you can make out with them though, which sort of shuts them up for a while

Bryan: probably because he thought you were slender and fit so you must be one of those diet coke drinkers and you're hot, so he wanted to get you drunk so you'd touch his wang
Bryan: standard procedure really but I don't have a lot of time so I usually bring a shot of jager and a redbull

Bryan: were your panties at least exciting?
me: yes they were erm... erm.... oh i think they were the vacuum panties
man i should have led with that story

me: i hate you
hate with mouth?
Bryan: Wait, is that good?
me: do you like teeth?
Bryan: sure I do, I would be remiss if I didn't say I like a girl to have all her teeth

Bryan: And yeah the girls of jcpenny got nothin on your sweet smokin goodness
me: i hope you put that on my tombstone
Bryan: What are you going to have a section of your grave reserved for blurbs? "...girls of jcpenny got nothin on your sweet smokin goodness..." raves Rev Mayland, "She was better than 'Cats', I wanted to do her again and again" Capt Mayland, "A real tour de force... in her pants", Bryan A.M, Engineer
me: "i give her three stars out of five"

your song

me: man i am going to cut a swath through the kiwi men when i get there
MMMPH
i should make a documentary about it
Dwayne: lol
"Kelsa does Kiwi"
me: AHAHHA YES
Dwayne: "Kelsa does Kiwi... (alot)"

the stapler of doooom

me: so one coworker has an office across the hall from me
and another coworker is always in there
and the two of the are ALWAYS WHISPERING
and i mean what is going on!
plotting murder?
discussing divorce?
what's with the whispers!!
Mike: I think they're playing D&D
whisper I draw my sword and slash at the ravaging orc
whisper Oh brave adventurer, you've saved me once again!

settings

Bryan: speaking of too ashamed, they have a big electronic billboard outside the office now (by the street, they're not just advertising to K33 and I) and one of the 3 ads it flashes is "How do your [b]tampons[/b] travel?" and it has a picture of like some sort of little flowery case you can buy to carry them around "discreetly"
Bryan: I put finger quotes on discreetly because if someone sees this thing there are only two things they can think might be in there: 1) unexysay feminine products 2) the part of your brain they took out to allow you to buy such a trashy looking little case because golly it is ugly!
Bryan: And you think the story ends there
Bryan: but it does not! For today, there was a new ad on the billboard. "How do your [b]antiespay[/b] travel?" [enlatined by the editor]. And there was a picture of that exact same gaudy flowery case.
Apparently someone decided that you can put other things inside a rectangular case, other things you may be ashamed of carrying
Bryan: But let's face it, if you're carrying multiple pairs of antiespay in your purse, are you really the sort of person who is embarrassed about showing people your antiespay? Especially if they're used to seeing them "in operation"
Bryan: conversations like these are what some people call "The Reasons Bryan Does Not Have a Girlfriend"
You're probably there, you're just hanging low until it blows over

me: i think you'd really like my sister
Mike: she's hot, so sure
me: well also she's like me but less whiny and neurotic
Mike: maybe cause she gets laid more?

Thomas: I'm well, starting to get things on the right track
me: what's the right track?
Thomas: not what I've been doig the last few years

too soon, executus

Robert: have you read the original [Dracula]?

the middle bit is a bit boring

It's like:

Beginning: Awesome Vampire Story

End: Awesome Vampire Story

Middle: "Hey - I bet you didn't know that I'm a specialist in 19th century British tax and estate law! Let's investigate!"

but she was making asparagus

Dwayne: flirting!? i have a girfriend!
,,,... sorta
me: wait i thought that was over
Dwayne: me too
i dunno!

the reading list

me: listen, dwayne
have you realized that nz has NO jobs?
monster has 6!
SIX
for all of nz
Dwayne: hahaha
its why i moved
u realize though that nz has 6 people
so there is a job for each of em
sorted

mourn the passing of the chipsticks

me: did i tell you i might have a fifth horse to train?
who knew this not-paying bidness would be so good!
Bryan: Wow if this keeps up, soon you'll be able to quit your normal job and work for free full time!

forever and ever, amen

me: like i really wish i had about 5 more beers on my desk
graham: leave some beer caps under your keyboard when you go to the bathroom next (is that how the beer fairies work?)

me: and angels like badonkadonks
Mike: It's in the Bible
/nod
the book of Mixalot, Chapter 6 verse 9
Mike: And yea sayeth Gabriel, I like big butts and I cannot say untruths.

hiding in the rain

me: it occurred to me the other day that i might be a bit sick, when i was giggling with glee and getting out my credit card for swastika panties
Robert: yes
though as my friend Laura would say
Those NAZIs were wrong - but they wore some great uniforms

swastika panties

Bryan: One of our customers, instead of forwarding me an email about something, took a screenshot of their desktop with their email client open and emailed me the screenshot

me: but these are the ones i want
http://aryanwear.com/girls-party-member-shorts-p-932.html?cPath=96_37_70
ahahahahahhahaahahaha
"today i'm wearing my swastika panties!"
graham: suprise your jewish BF!

bubble spinner

me: mike is confused that she doesn't have a boyfriend since she likes giving bjs
apparently this is a major selling point
Bryan: it is a facet of pretty much the only selling point

Bryan: nooo I was just joking, do you think I care how many women I disappoint? If I actually cared about that I would have stopped teh exsay years ago

Bryan: "An anonymous study of 2,000 British men and women concluded that out of all jobs, computer geeks make the best lovers." its true we do a lot of research
me: also wtf that is so wrong in so many ways no that's absolutely not.
i'm not saying they're bad but come on now
a farmer or mechanic knows a lot more about physical movement than a codemonkey
Bryan: but they're least likely to care
we're just so happy to have someone else there while we're having the exsay

dollywood

Mike says:
You are, somehow, simultaneously amazing and terrible at being the local slut.

re: drinking

me: by the end of the evening you're all squashed on a couch, fighting over the one duvet, laughing because you just got beer down your shirt, yelling that someone is hogging the popcorn, shushing everyone cuz you can't hear what ace ventura is saying, and arguing whether a bear or a marmoset would win a fight but not particularly caring because you're almost out of vodka and GUYS THIS IS A PROBLEM, WHO WANTS TO LAUNCH A RECON MISSION (oh i do!) so you find your shoes for 15 minutes and stagger on down to the store and come back triumphantly with baileys, toaster strudel, and a potted plant

Mike: If I'm drunk, the likelyhood of pants being taken off would be higher than normal.
me: that's the glory of drunk!

Mike: Don't Kelsa and Drive.

Mike: Let's put it this wayI played with my Aunt, Nathan, Amanda/Hope last weekend
I was last
me: nathan is 5?
Mike: yeah it was effing ridiculous!
Mike: he just randomly swings his arms violently
STRIKE
STRIKE
STRIKE
Hope fucking turned around and bowled backwards with her eyes closed
STRIKE

me: mike (onyxus) is marreid
and he thinks he would end up missing pants if he came up here to party
and who wouldn't, really?
Bryan: so his pants come off and you tell him jokes until he gets divorced?
me: LOL they're so bad that when he repeats them his wife leaves him?

the greatest fan of your life

Bryan: when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in my face? well, let's just say I get a sudden movement caused by the release of something elastic

i don't have time to map out the fish patterns!

Invictus says:
hey if someone is looking ill do you say "you look peaked" or "you look pea-KED?"
Bry says:
peaked? wtf no I would say peak-ED but I'm not from London so I say "you look like shit, bro"

junkindatrunk

me: i do not know about hte TVs but i know i can bring over my 15" flat screen if people promise not to laugh and point
it has feelings too
graham: just cover its speakers

the bridge outside of moose jaw

me: what are the risk categories of canada?
i'll tell you if i own them yet
Bryan: Eastern Canada, Central Canada, Western Canada, Northwest Territory
me: oh wtf i don't own any of those
Bryan: I don't know why they just didn't name them all Northern America ft. Alaska

the newfies

Charlene: they have a big arse dog here
they say he's a lab
but i think he's a tank in disguise
or a pony

golly!

me: maybe we need GPS tracking chips in our necks!
Eugene: they track people on parole with a chip in a bracelet on the ankle
me: oooh should we do that?
Eugene: I do not indend to rob a police station...not so brave.

i won't back down!

Bryan: rawrg I hate people.
"Can you have a look at this?"
what's wrong with it?
"Can't you just look at it?"
I'm looking at it right now
"And what do you see?"
Iiiiiii seeeeee.... a computer?
"haha no really"
what am I looking for?
"just look!"

Bryan: I can see that their machine is on the verge of #$*#@ing its pants right now because there are 237 "This program has caused an illegal function and must be terminated" dialogs up right now
me: ahhahaa
"oh i see the problem"
"do you??"
"yes! there are illegal functions going on!"
"what do i do??"
Bryan: pass a law to make the functions legal!

me: i wonder if we have tissue farms
Mike: I have a mental image of longs rows of kleenexes sticking out of the ground

me: if she's a horsegirl i resign
or will beat her downone of the two
Bryan: she's probably into something cooler like dragons or spelunking

me: oh dear my coworker just caught me doing the "bunnyrabbit" at my desk
Bryan: the kind with the vibarator?
me: errrrrrr no
the embarrassing dance move
Bryan: the one that ends da da da da da DOMP DOMP DOMP
question mark
me: no the one that has bunny rabbit paws and bobbing up and down in your seat and thrusting your chest back and forth while doing the gooseneck
Bryan: I'm glad they caught you, you should be ashamed
me: says the guy who spilled water doing the eggbeater!

Mike: NUDE CODING
CAREFUL, YOUR JUNK COULD GET CAUGHT IN THE COMPILER
Bryan: there's a certain amount of professionalism lost in that statement, and that amount is TOTAL

the prettification

me: so i'll be painting your office next week maybe
chris: will you be drinking?
me: is that a real question?
willy: get one of those extender poles so you don't have to climb ladders and die
me: oh tat's a great idea!
willy: also a lifejacket. not that i think you'll drown in a bucket of paint but to provide maximum cushion when you topple over from the combo of three bottles of red wine and paint fumes.

me: oh no! i should have got the paint colour called "Starlet"
it would be more me
uhoh... it's followed by "falling star"
WHAT IS THIS PAINT CHIP TELLING ME
graham: double as tarot cards

me: wow this paint chip is telling hte entire lifestory of a fame-hungry blonde who moved to hollywood
starts off with "jersey cream," with which she shot to fame
followed by "starlet" in her other adult movies
"plenty" is what she was enjoying in her heyday
but then she got older... and became a "falling star"
now she's in her "golden day" which is really a euphemism for SUNSET which is UR OLD

You dance all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.

Mike: so the men's bathroom here has a half wall that separates the sink from the urinal and toilet stalls

and it's large enough that you can't tell if someone is at the urinal until you're past the wall

I say all this to give context when i say this: there's something slightly disturbing about walking up behind another man reaching for your zipper.

my nubbin

Mike: if a nudist was a nazi, would you call them a nudzi?

me: but how will i prepare for celebrations if i don't know what we're doing?!
Marco: UNIWEAR! good in any situation!
me: no but i mean what shall i pick up!
Marco: biddies
mos def
me: age pref?
Marco: 10
me: dude biddy is over 65
Marco: we'll slick their hair back to make 'em look younger
me: "aieee! not my BLUEWASH!!"

Mike: nail polish!
who wants to nail a polish guy anyways!

me: okay, list of things that involved in my night at april's tonight:
1) bacon
2) a bedazzler
3) mccain's deep'n'delicious cake
4) port
5) nail polish
Bryan: Is a deep and delicious cake what I think it is wink wink?

need more badassery!

me: so then i yelled at a coworker while brandishing a phone menacingly
April: good for you
menace if and when you have to
that's what Jack Bristow would do
WWJBD

we can do anything!

Bryan: "How big is the database?"
Sales Guy: "Infinite"
Bryan: I'd better get one of those wormhole hard drives that stores data in all alternate realities simultaneuously

me: what's your take on someone feeding you?
Bryan: too much work. Plus what's the point? If they wanted to be doing something for me they should be *@#&$ing my #$%#!@!

ftw?

scattergories category: "things in a desert"

april: layers
me: ... what?
april: layers. like cakes, tiramisu, etc
me: things in a desert?
april: desert? oh DESERT! oh well that's not a dessert at all.

customer: "What is the name of the system we're connected to there?"
Bryan: I don't know
c: "I need to put it in this document"
B: well ask them because I don't know.
c: "So you have no idea at all?"
B: nooooooo
c: "Because I need to fill out this form"
Bryan (to me): I've found that if I just ignore him and sit quietly he'll just talk to himself and I don't even have to be involved

CapnBry says:
NASPAW
Invictus says:
AHAHAHA
i laugh out loud at that, it's disturbing
i ran into this friend from high chool at the movies the other day
and like a minute in to the conversation i was like HAVE YOU SEEN SPACE DOGGIES?!?!
and proceeded to tell her all about it
i wish i was making this story up
because in retrospect i sound fucking batty
CapnBry says:
your friends must always be in a hurry to get somewhere else

there is no country that begins with "w"

Robert: Vatican - do you count it as "Vatican City"or as "The Holy See"
me: vc
the holy see cracks me up though
Robert: what happened to the holy hear?
and the holy touch?
me: the holy smell imo
Robert: and the holy taste
well, I guess the altar boys know about that one!

re: castle crashers

me: that would rock!!

but you'd have to de-noob cuz we're all higher levels

Mike: how high?

you know me, i'm a power leveller

me: oh well calm down i think we're only like level 14

don't beat the game or anything

Mike: lol

we'd log on and i'm all /flex

LEVEL 99, sup gaiz!

o...you're only 14, mai bad

"want me to run you through RFC?"

Mike: We require more vespene gas.

me: are you srsly playing sc at work?

Mike: Nope

I've decided this will be my new "I'm hungry" phrase

I like to shake things up

would it be bad if my dog ate a pound of hash?

Invictus says:
ahahah
do you think it's possible to have sex in a crane?
on a crane?
... from a crane?
what's the right preposition there
CapnBry says:
with a crane. of course!

"dude... i think there's a bat on the shuttle"

Mike: built in penis pump?

awesome

me: yes, microsoft thinks of EVERYTHING

Mike: gives a new meaning to the term Microshaft

methinks

also, that's the best penis pump company name ever!

me: micro? does not imply good pumping

it should be MACROSHAFT

or UBERSHAFT

or THE GIGANTOR

Mike: Here at Microshaft, we care about the size of your penis, and want to help you develop the Ubershaft you've always wanted.

me: To this end we have created the new, revolutionary GIGANTOR pump.

Mike: See this scale drawing where we put the Gigantor next to the Empire State Building

notice how it's nearly half the height of the building

me: ahahha

Mike: Just think, if Earth was ever invaded by giant Amazon alien women standing thousands of feet tall, you'll be prepare to satisfy them like no normal man ever could.

GIGANTOR: Become Earth's last line of defense.

can you dig it?

me: hey... you'd still do me, right?
Bryan: In an instant!
WaitI'd start in an instant
Bryan: and finish like 2 instants later

Mike: impressive, a whole 2 instants
Mike: personal best: 1.56
though i average around :0.73
the best was after 7 red bulls and a line of cocaine

Bryan: Apparently now I no longer have to be registered to marry people in Florida, as any ordained minister is allowed.
However, to get your license you must complete a minimum 4 hour training course on how to be berried
*merriged
*married
Bryan: But my Premarital Preparation Course is a 4 hour suck and #*$# session to help prepare the bride for blissful matrimony

Mike: Bryan's Primae Noctis Premarital Prep Course
BRAVEHEART STYLE!

weta!

me: kangaroos can kill you, right?
Dwayne: yes
everything in that awfull country can kill u

Tosa-ken dogs are the animal equivalent of sumo wrestlers

Dwayne: l grew up in the country, and didnt see fuk all bugs
i HATE bugs

Bryan: wow you're closer than I thought
you'd be even closer if I didn't have to "Head south on Dale Mabry Hwy toward Hudson Ln. Make a U-turn at Hudson Ln"
Go North for a few miles, then make a uturn and go south for a few miles PLUS a few miles. Then make 4 lefts. 2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights DO make a left

me: so btw i just found out a friendof mine moved to a road called pemberleicestershire
wtf kind of stupid name is that?
Bryan: wow what the hell is that
When people name roads they should ask themselves "If I had to give out this address over the phone, would I have to repeat it 8 times and spell it twice for the other party?"
me: people have an insanely hard time with my road
"tall oak private"
"... what? dollaoke? what's a private?"
Bryan: Try 11744A N Dale Mabry Hwy. 117 Eh? No 11744 A, like Alpha. So 11744 Alpha? No the letter A. 11744A.

thigh-high boots to get married in

Robert: Kids are like Huns.

Bryan: This all goes back to what constitutes a date
A mutual attendance of an event in which one person buys the other person something and at least one of the two thinks they might be able to touch the other person.

Bryan: Why you'd want to make out while skydiving is beyond me. That's akin to going on a water slide while eating a corn dog, if you're the sort of person that enjoys both waterslides and corn dogs.

GET IN THE CAR, DAD, WE ARE LOOKING FOR SLUMS

Eugene: albania to the south. now, that's a backward part of the world. the clocks stopped in 1954. Like Havana! except weirder.

Invictus says:
a large percentage of hte monarchy are mentally handicapped due to inbreeding
Bry says:
now that is true. same thing with roombas

welfare epics

me: YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMOOOORE
Dwayne: awwwwyeah i do, a little but not a lot, that would be unrequited, and a little creepy/stalkerish
me: enough to buy me this?http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=19430138&mcat=148210&cid=287465&search_params=s+5-p+15-c+287465-r+101323351+101424823-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t
Dwayne: does it increase Intellect and spell damage?
if not then i dont think so missy!

me: http://sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=14867794
Marco: note to self: block all keyholes for coming octopalypse

Invictus says:
i named it sangria!
Bry says:
In spanish sangre means blood so I assume the name means "cute little blood drink"

Invictus says:
so i wonder how to put things i've downloaded into my library
Bry says:
drag and drop!
Invictus says:
could it be that easy?!?!
Bry says:
it's how I get in the car every morning

when things go bad it's quite often rectal bleeding

Bry says:
well do you get merit badges for the thousand meter club (a kilolay), the quarter mile club (the quarter hump), the half mile club (the semi half and half) etc?

Invictus says:
LOL the clostest helicopter i've found to the one i'm talking about is this
http://www.healingheart.net/images/harold_helicopter.jpg
Bry says:
LMAO oh a Harold Class Anomorphicpter

ANGRY WOOF!

Invictus says:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bouncing_bomb
Mike says:
"you know how you love playing golf, AND, you love blowing shit up? well i've got this idea..."

feliz cumpleanos!

Marco: woot ty! i got your message
your pronunciation was great!
me: was it??
Marco: now you just need to say it faster so it doesn't sound like you're unearthing ancient spanish artifacts!

me: http://semperfimariness.net/womens_pants/3348.jpg
HIDE FROM THE UNICORNS!
Mike: "Our heroes suddenly find themselves stranded in the middle of a Breast Cancer Awareness parade, what will they do?"
swoosh
LOLBREASTCANCER CAMO!

Stefan says:
Are you picking up what i'm laying down here?
Invictus says:
i hope not, i don't want syphilis
Stefan says:
Good, I don't want crabs
If we ever change our minds though
Maybe we can swap
Invictus says:
barter, i like that
i'll give you two pounds of crabs for a litre of the syph
Stefan says:
I don't know
Syph is more expensive on the open market

diarrhea with dried droppings" (chocolate), "bloody poop" (strawberry), and "green dysentery" (kiwi)

Marco: LOLCANCER GOT YOU DOWN!? TRY NEW ROFLAIDS!

me: sadly our LOLCANCER jokes are not true
marco says i very likely do not have it cuz she didnt' mention my red blood cell count
Mike: marco the narco is an oncologist?
me: med student
Mike: YOU TELL HIM TO STFU THEN, YOU'VE GOT LOLCANCER!

dust on the bottle

from mike, via craigslist?

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

mini bosch

Invictus says:
what's your penis called?
oh wait way personal
NEVER MIND
Mike says:
i don't think i have a name for it
OH WAIT
HERMAN
that's right
haven't used it in a long time
the name, not the penis

Rick Astly, now THAT is some synthpop

Bryan: But this is a pretty bad version
sometimes they're good but this had as much effort put into it as I put into maintaining a relationship

this is the single funniest remix i have ever heard in my life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7LAZE1Omfw&feature=related

regarding vampires

Eugene: that should be enough. we can go by car and/or train
i have not googeearth moldova. or transylvania. there are some tall mountains there..
maybe we can stay with some peasants and drink fresh goats milk or blood, whichever is offered
and rush about in wooden cloggs
and have a wooden peg ready, just in case


me: hey!
chris: hey...
me: where are you?
chris: loeb, why? do you need nutella?
me: ketchup chips!
chris: ... there are only two things in your office, and i guessed the wrong one.


From a Russian etiquette site:
"Russians are hooligans. It's not because we're bad - we just like everything extraordinary. But too often we don't express this feeling enough, so when it comes out, it's like a volcanoe. That's why you hear our tourists singing folk songs at 3am and that's why we make a revolution every 80 years."

inanity

me: do you ever smell feet?
erm like randomly
like get a waft of feet
Mike: haha sure
me: i don't think it's my feet
whose feet are stinking up my office?
Mike: you're in your office...it's your feet
you can't push that on someone else, get some foot deoderant
me: no i just smelled them, it's not them
Mike: shoes?
me: maybe it's something else that SMELLS like feet
feet smell suspiciously like cheese
maybe someone is eating cheese
Mike: is it Gouda?
LOL I SO FUNNY
me: ahahaha i wouldn't have got that that was a joke if you hadn't written that
Mike: yeah i realized after i read it that it made no sense when not verablized

"the man who wrote that... is dead"

Invictus says:
lots of fat people in tampa?
Bry says:
a fucking ton, which actually isn;t that many considering their weight

okay this might not be funny but...

this is the COOLEST THING EVER.

http://www.chemdoodle.com/google2.php?gclid=CMio5MrE65gCFQIyxwod_myQ0Q

Charlene: this makes people smile, and laugh, and cheers them up when then deal with obsolete buildings ALL DAY LONG. and national histoiric sites that are HILLS. where are the boundaries of a hill, for cripe's sake?maybe every hill should have a moat so as to define the boundaries of the hill. Then, however, there would be problems as to which side of the moat, and also...what about factoring erosion?

wtf, why did it change to double-spaced halfway through?

me: Curiously, one component of breast milk is something that infants cannot digest: oligosaccharides. Research in the last few years has shown that these oligosaccharides stimulate particular bacteria in the intestine, which is a beneficial process. "The mother is recruiting another life form to baby-sit the infant," German said
cool and creepy!
Mike: i recruit other life forms to babysit all the time
Purple dinosaurs

Mike: what do you mean by "in front of"?

i prefer privacy when using the restroom at all times, but if i really have to go i wont' force her out of the bathroom or anything

but i'm not like "HEY BABY WATCH THIS, I CAN SPELL MY NAME IN THE WATER"

me: okay, creepiest couple

r.kelly and dakota fanning

Mike: LOL

good one

dunno if i can top that

Michael Jackson and MacCauley Culkin

me: AHAHAH


Mike: okay, so missing the bowl
i would agree that in general this is unacceptable
the only times i would think this is okay
1. You're pretty much asleep, or barely awake and you either:
a) have your eyes mostly closed
b) don't turn on the lights
2. I've missed the bowl when i was screwing around, like trying to flush while urinating to speed up the process or something
so yeah
STAND STILL
cardinal rule numero uno

OH HAI GUYZ!

every day i giggle to myself in my head. multiple times. multiple times... a minute. shit just CRACKS ME UP. mostly it's conversations with other people but sometimes it's headlines, comments on blogs, or a random thought. i'm tired of linking all the funny things in my day to april and mike (and 'im sure they're sick of receiving them) so here we have it! random postings, on random days, for you to randomly amuse yourself.

here's a bunch to get you started, collected over the last while...

!k



Bryan: Last night I dreamed that we got all dressed up in nice clothes and went to the opera. We went to see Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, except it was Carmina Brieana and as you might have guessed it was all dancing cheese. All I got to see was "Oh Fontina!" (which is good because that's really the only movement I know) before I got arrested for putting bass and treble controls on my Zune.
me: DANCING CHEESE
Bryan: You clapped with much enthusiasm
Bryan: all the latin words had cheese names in them. I'm not sure what they were singing but there were definite english cheesewords
me: AHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA
TOO EFFING GLORIOUS
Bryan: oh I mean to say they were people dressed as cheese, not like actual anamorphic cheese
me: oh. still glorious!!!


me: i would like to go to afghanistan
Mike: umm...war?
me: i want to see what it actually is, not the media's skewed perception
Mike: how tall are you?
me: 5'6"
why?
Mike: just you and your sister look fairly tall in your photos
and i had images of you walking through an Afhgani village surrounded by little people
like some pasty white savior of afhganistan
me: AHAHAHAHAH


Bryan: yeah it probably needs more lazers or something. the siemens thing I was in this morning had zomg lazers everywhere
I'm not sure if I went to the doctor's office or a rave. You can get barium at both
me: AHAHAHA
"pssst... want some barium?"
Bryan: they put it in their glowsticks
me: and when they get thirsty... handy!
Bryan: or if they're going for a contrast CT!
after the party
me: barium makes me yeah think of nuclear medicine
is it that cold stuff?
i hate the cold stuff that you can feel in your veins
Bryan: No that's heroin
me: LOL
i was roofied in Wing H!
Bryan: My word!


Bryan: google.com/latitude
me: and i mean how does it know?
it tracks your ip or waht's going on here?
Bryan: I put it on my phone so I assume it uses a spy satellite focused on the top of my bald head


me: but i mean reservations are for 7 and he hasn't even called to confirm so wtf
i mean WTF
Bryan: that's no excuse, hope you take that guy back to the jerk store where you got him. Hey the jerk store called, they're out of YOU!


Bryan: you don't have to go out with all of them though, I mean I know you're a nice person but sometimes you just gotta draw the line when the guy brings a book to a date or like speaks exclusively of his Plenty Of Fish exploits
me: or shows me a video of his car engine revving?
it was at that point (10 minutes in) that i knew it was doomed
Bryan: vroom vroom vroom I kinda like that guy
me: well you can have him
harrumph
Bryan: Homogenized? No, I like the ladies!
What videos do you have on your phone to show this guy tonight?
I mean if you're not going to have a good time, you should at least prepare to have the worst time


Bryan: but you are free to pleasure the company of another man
me: i don't want to pleasure another man, i kind of want all men to diaf
Bryan: I said the pleasure of your company, not pleasure the man!
Me: the whole company!
i hope there are some interns
Bryan: You need to have your ears checked, and your mouth because this is all typing so you had to read it then say it then hear it wrong


Bryan: Why is covert the opposite of overt and they just added a C in front of it. Should be novert or something
I mean you can't negate irregardless with simple C. Cirregardless? Wtf is that


me: i've come to the conclusion that i'm no longer young and pretty enough to be quirkily adorable and have veered into whacko woman territory
Bryan: Oh then make sure you bring a HUGE purse
PM me: and a cat or three
or knitting!!!


me: do you say "bah-NAHHL" or "BAY-nal" for banal?
Bryan: banal like narwhal
me: barn-all, got it


Bryan: Customer: "I have this problem that happens like this..."
Me: "Oh you have option X set to 1, set it to 2"
Customer "Ok" (an hour passes) "It's still doing it"
Me: "Did you sure you set X to 2?"
Customer: "How do I do that? I have no idea what you're talking about"
So when I asked them to do it before... and they obviously didn't... how did they expect things would change?
Bryan: "It is still doing it"
Did you change X to 2?
"No."
/facepalm
"do I TYPE 2?
wtf no download a 2 and put it in there. YES TYPE 2


project manager (mine): "Or as my brother told his son…..put the swimmers anywhere but in her hoohaa. He even said, in her face, on her back, on the wall, in the shower…..anywhere, but in her hoohaa. That was to his 13 year old son. "


Bryan: black diamonds wtf are those?
me: pretty is what they are
Bryan: sounds made up, like when someone says "head cheese" it certainly isn't cheese at all and I think that's along the same lines
me: there are black, chocolate, blue, champagne, and canary diamonds, you know that right?
Bryan: No there are only clear diamonds as far as I am concerned
me: false, the other ones are much more expensive and rare
Bryan: are they made from real diamonds?
me: they ARE diamonds!


Bryan: Trivial fact: In the operating system "Solaris", free kernel memory pages are filled with deadbeef
me: there's something so glorious about your obsession with 32 bits
it's honestly adorable
Bryan: I work with a lot of bits
you can also spell A BAD BABE, FEEDFACE, and DISEASE if you spell it D15EA5E
me: i definitely like FEEDFACE
excuse me, i need to FEEDFACE now
Bryan: make some toast?
me: i... don't know what that would be
but i think it makes me uncomfortable
Bryan: I assume it involves your toaster
me: hootenanny!
Bryan: and who has a 1-slot toaster? the analogy is terrible


Bryan: There's this link on these folks's VPN that says "Do NOT click this unless instructed to by the CHS staff!!!" that many exclamation points and so much NOT makes me really want to
me: AHAHAH
i totally would too
say it was an accident
it should be subtle and hard to find, not a giant pop-up screaming at you
Bryan: I bet if I click it it will say "We told you not to"
me:
Bryan: in the toaster?
me: don't talk about my toaster that way! you know i'm scared of the syph
Bryan: Well then you probably shouldn't leave it on the counter!


me: also dude omg, a toaster is NOT a gun according to urban dictionary
Bryan: Also, it IS according to urban dictionary
me: oh lol there are more pages, got it
Bryan: lol "...due to the fact the slits are alike". Yes they are exactly alike
on my robot girlfriend!
me: ahahaha that's the one i saw and laughed
i'm totally going to refer to female parts as toasters now


me: quick, what were the lyrics about toasters and tellies?
Bryan: "and I aint in the hood with my toast out loc'n, I'm in the telly workin up a sweat strokin"


me: Jamaica has an army?
Bryan: I guess Jamaica needs to protect their borders right
me: from pirates
Bryan: And Volcanos!
me: and marmosets!
Bryan: And to protect the koala bears from people punching them in the face
That may sound like something really mean but they had it on a commerical last night
me: wtf?!
Bryan: And I laughed because he was so shocked
me: people punch koalas?!
Bryan: yeah he was all GASP
me: ahahahahaha
the koala was so stuffed
i thought you meant real
Bryan: oh no who would hit a real koala that's an awful thing to do


Bryan: No they couldn't fit me in so I'm screwed until wednesday
me: well that's one nice thing about prviate health care
here we wait a few months
i mean sure it's free, but i might be dead by then!
maybe that's how we keep our population in check
Bryan: yeah that's what I'm sayin'. I mean what if there's something wrong in there? I guess if I start passing out I can go to the ER
that's how they measure your resolve


me: if you could buy one thing from the grocery store RIGHT NOW, what would it be?
Bryan: soap


Bryan: bout time what did you do go to the grocery store and get some ketchup and potatoes and make your own chips?
me: no, i kneecapped a lady in a headscarf because she counted out like $34 in dimes
Bryan: what's on your dime? Eisenhower?
me: the bluenose!
Bryan: is that a really cold kelsa?


do you ever read the names of spam senders?
Bryan: yes it is much fun
me: "Azzie Kay," "Myrna Land,"Elda Emilia"
Bryan: I sometimes try to figure out what the subjects would look like too
me: "Annie Ho," "Ellamae Ria,' "Gwendolyn Fannie"
i like gwendolyn fannie personally
Bryan: like "Get ahead with a new d1ploma!" and I imagine a guy sitting at an interview all beaming and happy and the interviewer is sitting behind is desk with a "wtf" look looking down at a d1ploma on his desk and not a diploma
me: L O L
i always hear that as "dIP!loma"
or "pEEN!is"
it's like a blip of high-pitched shock in the middle of a word
Bryan: haha oh I see you just think someone forgot to hit shift
me: yeah i think my brain makes that leap
Bryan: I think of it as a fun way to say the word. Pen one es
me: d'one ploma?
very caribbean
Bryan: haha I reminds me of Count D'Money from history of the world
(Part 1)


Bryan: and many fine dining establishments. I made cheese sauce with nutmeg for dinner last night. My fingers have never tasted so good!
well recently anyway
me: I DISLIKE NUTMEG
whoa caps
Bryan: You don't have to tell me that any more, I'm only keeping a list of things you like from now on because the hate list has filled up my hard drives


me: "Over 3,000 people each year lose a finger in an accident with a table saw"
Bryan: that's a lot of missing fingers
me: over 3000!