pembroke

Mike: ASCII Penis means never having to say "Is it in yet?"

movin' on up

me: oh man i do feel bad though

3 years of peace ina field with her mom

then suddenly people are purposely hurting her to test her, jabbing her with needles, loading her n a big scary steel box, and overall expecting things

Bryan: LOL just like college!

cheer up, magellan

rod: do you have any reports?
me: yeah, embrun and pembroke
rod: any city of ottawa reports?
me: yeah.... embrun and pembroke
rod: those are ultramar
me: are they?
rod: pembroke's not in ottawa
me: ah yes.
rod: .... neither is embrun

graham: due process is just like showing your work in math, if you know the answer why bother!

santa baby

me: he's prepping for a bj and hasn't anyone told you that girls ADORE giving bjs?
Bryan: Oh is that for everyone they get that excited? I thought they just really appreciated my unit
me: we LOVE to jam things that have been sweating in polyester all day into our most delicate orifices full of bacteria!
Bryan: I think I like you a little less now that I know how much you resent things

ponce

Bryan: oh pervy is all I know

But generally more tasteful than my earlier statement

(monocle)

me: LOL

i am a most tasteful purveyor of the clam

Bryan: See now I sound like some sort of cross between an english prince and a sailor

rosie 2.0

Bryan: fuck robots that can make a goddamn pancake, when are we going to have the robot that cleans up the mixing bowl and wipes down the counters?

google moon

Bryan: But anyway let me tell you about salted cod pieces. I assume that Newfies must drink sea water instead of fizzy water. Those salted cod pieces are the saltiest thing I've ever eaten, and I've once eaten a whole bowl of salt
Bryan: I think I went blind in one eye after a few pieces

but not out loud, sadly

Bryan: Someone else today asked me what color the server was. Is it that big black box over in the respiratory office?
"I don't know I've never been on site or seen the server"
Well how do you not know what color it is at least?
(silence)
Well?
"Oh sorry I thought that question was rhetorical"

Bryan: but then they got all mad when I said that there was no place to plug in the interface

like that was my problem
Bryan: they don't even have Helix!
Bryan: that's like me calling Lockheed-Martin and complaining that there's no AUX jack on my 4Runner's stereo

Bryan: the best part is that all these calls are on speakerphone so as soon as I start to answer someone in the room invariably wants to add something to the question, so they talk over me because the use a half duplex speakerphone and I have to repeat my answer
Bryan: "You want to start testing?"
N----(o I just need to know what ports)
"We're not ready for testing yet probably"
N----(o I just need to know what ports)
"What all is involved in the testing because I can get someone to come in on their day off and help you"
I ju--(st need to know what ports)
"Our project plan will have to be submitted immediately too to get it oked by the hospital, can we do this after hours?"
I'm n(ot ready for testing yet!)

freshly ground

Bryan: I was just looking into my new nerd mouse and staring at the laser wondering what color the laser is when it is flat on the desk because clearly the laser turns off when you pick it up. Let me look closer. Yes definitely off.
Bryan: Then I read below it "DANGER: Invisible laser radiation. Do not view directly with naked eye"

because apparently this one uses an infrared laser
Bryan: which I shot into my eye

honey honey, how you thrill me

me: who's the jihad against? the po-po? i'm on board
Bryan: What do we want? The police to come to us when we have an accident! When do we want it? Within an acceptable time frame!
I can't hear you, please don't fire your gun while issuing demands

ree ba la

Siemens: yeah we use your tool for viewing HL7 messages
Me: what? what tool
S: Yours, for viewing HL7 messages
M: I have no idea what you're talking about
S: It is a program and it lets you look at HL7 messages, it's really good
M: Notepad?

Bryan: Oh man I think some people just call to screw with me.
Customer: "(British accent) Oh hellloooo, sir. I would like Helix to send all the parameters, regardless of if they were sent by the analyzer
Me: Ok, which parameters should I send?
C: All of them

Me: Yes, but what are they, like, the whole list you're expecting.
C: Well just if they aren't there, send them anyway
Me: So if I don;'t see something, I should send it?
C: Yeah!

Me: How will I know it isn't there if I don't see it?
C: It won't be there, and if it isn't there you should send it.

take a walk on the wild side

Bryan: I had this idea at lunch where I would get one of those whole car stickers, "wraps" I think they call them so my car looks like it is from the local cable company and I go around fixing widows' cable

But I didn't think they'd make me one with a trademarked company name so instead of BrightHouse Networks, I'd have to get like BightHouse
and the other side would say Verison, just in case they don't have BightHouse Cable

me: LOL
why do you want to go into peoples' windows? i've missed something
Bryan: widows' not windows. Did I say windows?
No I didn't. WIDOWS

Mike: At some point you just have to accept that he's not going to, and let it go

me: SO HARD

Mike: Not really, send more schoolgirl pics

fresh wind in her hair

Bryan: I guess, I thoguht thwa wasa why i mentio nedi t
me: whoa whoa paintful typing there
Bryan: I typed that in your dialect so you'd take the time to read it

pound it down

coworker: but i'm not driving back
me: i drove back last year and got a $300 ticket so i refuse
coworker: yeah but i'll be drunk. i'm going to continue drinking until 4am!
me: but aren't you old? how do you do it? i'm 25 and i can't do it!
coworker: yeah but i have nothing else to look forward to in my life

me: when did i start working here?

Bryan: 1929. I remember because my sticks went down

Bryan: stocks too
Bryan: I wore an onion on my belt

know why?
Bryan: because it was the style at the time

Bryan: not a white onion, a red one, on account of the white ones all being used in the wat

war
Bryan: back then a red onion'd cost ya 3 for a nickel, "give me 3 onions for a hogger" because the nickel had a pig on it which was used to help settle the west.

But it wans't made from nickel at all, a hogger was actually made from steel because of the war you see
Bryan: oh but the onions and my old pal Stanley McGee went down to the general store to get some change to use in the sody pop machine when we came across a travelling salesman offering us 4 red onions for half a hogger
Bryan: Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo was his name, I remember that because my mother's name was Joey through an interesting turn of events that transpired around the turn of the century

two and a half men

Bryan: 3 and 4 year olds can't play sports, I dunno what this article is talking about

me: holy crap boy is 3 already?

(i forget his name)

Bryan: ummm .... good question

me: LMFAO

worst. uncle. ever.

urfin!

Bryan: Google just released their new voice control software yesterday so I installed it on my phone. Now it doesn't just do a google search OR a contact search, now it combines the two so when I said "call dad on mobile" it gets my current location, googles something, understands I said "call" and suggests "Call Florida Southern College?" and "Call The University of Tampa?"
A whole new level of misdialing keith at home is about to begin

me: Inquiry:
---------
Hi. Is there any discount for purchasing a case as opposed to individual
bottles? Can a case be of mixed wines? Is delivery available to Ottawa?

Thanks!
Kelsa

Dear Kelsa

Free with one case. It is simplest to come to the winery.

Regards,
Bert Andrews

Bryan: hahahahahahhaa

me: ... it's free because i come to the winery?
Bryan: "I have been all day winery"

translation: I drink a lot of the product

"When assembling skuvnaar, it is best to be two people"

me: wtf are you going on about

Bryan: your response

me: not MY response

Bryan: well except the last line

the response you got
me: LMFAO wait, the first kelsa is the last line of my inquirty

btw

Bryan: what? how is this confusing at all?

Dude Says: Free with one case. It is simplest to come to the winery.
If he had typed another sentence it might have been: "I have been all day winery"
Which I think means: I [Bert] drink a lot of the product

which reminds me of how the instructions from Ikea are:
When assembling skuvnaar, it is best to be two people
me: a) you never told me ikea shit so HAHAH that's funny and now you understand dammit

b) why on earth would that be his next sentence?

c) free? free delivery with one case but come to the winery to pic it up?
Bryan: because his first sounds like he sucked on a big bag full of paint before he typed it

me: "free with one case?"

Bryan: yeah it lacks an object!

you asked like 4 questions and he says "free with 1 case!"

whatever I give up

brewskie

Bryan: call amex, find out what the problem is, they need the bank to verify, shit the bank doesn't have this address. Call the bank get them to change the address, well we can only change one of your 3 addresses, ok change that one then, try to explain how to spell corkwood several times. CORK WOOD. Sporknude? CORKWOOD. Sherwood? ffs.

9 or 10's too suspicious.

Bryan: On the new road to / from work, there is a section of the 1.75 lane road where it makes a quick S turn where the recommended speed is 15 mph. Well on this turn the other morning there was a cow standing in the middle, increasing the difficulty of the maneuver....

schadenfreude

Bryan: LOL who slaps their knee
me: thigh, not knee
Bryan: sorry I was trying to talk at the same time

Bryan: I actually said "LOL who slaps their finances" but caught it before I hit enter

Your decimal system has played right into my hands!

me: bryan says i'm a dead snob about education, but marco thinks i'm completely justifeid so what do i know
Bryan: about education? (you want to laugh? I just typed edjucation)
I even tried to figure out where the j was supposed to go. Edu...j... no. Edgu? no Education... wait there is no j in there