Wii tennis arms

me: Lyndsay Young became a fan of I hate when i get hay in my bra.
Bryan: I hate finding hay in a girl's bra too
Especially if the reason is that my date is actually made from hay
Mike: I hate getting hay in my pants. Cause then when I have to go to the bathroom it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Bryan: Yeah they left to go get some c-c-c-c-c-cocaine and I said I wouldn't be there when they got back
So it is nice to see that I can still attract reputable broads

-- Widescreen 16:9 format, native resolution 1280x720, accepts input up to 1920x1080i.
-- Technology is LCD Projection, user-replaceable lamp.
-- Dimensions 48.3 x 35.2 x 17 inches (W x H x D) supposedly 113lbs but I can tell you it weighs less than my girlfriend.
-- Inputs 3x Component, 2x Composite/SVideo, 1x HDMI on the back / 1x VGA, 1x Composite/SVideo on the front, SD Card slot for viewing photos of your girlfriend.
-- Built in tuner ATSC/NTSC/QAM w/ CableCard slot, but good luck getting an NTSC signal since the digital switch.
-- Built-in speakers so you can hear your MTV or whatever you kids these days watch.
-- Panasonic "universal" remote. Batteries included too for your 3V AA pleasure.
-- Original printed manual featuring your choice of language, as long as that choice is English.

Bonus! I'll also throw in a Logitech Harmony 520 universal remote, the remote so nice it makes you want to slap your mama.
-- Programmable over USB (cable included) and the power of the Internet to work with all your current devices.
-- Activity-based operation is not like the remote that came with your cable box, your parents will actually be able to turn on your TV when they visit.
-- Has buttons on the front, battery door (4x AAA, not included) on the back.
-- Lights up, LCD screen, 4 hard buttons around the LCD.

Double bonus (holy smokes!)
-- 6ft HDMI v1.3 cable to get you started.

You come pick it up. Cash only. No I will not take a 3rd party check for more than the sale price and give you cash, unless you are President Motubo of Zimbabwe.

Bryan: haha remember those siemens with the half priced helix from yesterday?
well they just called and offered an even better deal
Bryan: "The customer *needs* Helix"
Me: that's what I hear, but it costs X
"I know but they're not going to pay for it, but they really need it. So can you just do it as a favor for us instead?
So now we've gone from 1/2 price to absolutamente gratis!

Bryan: I want to write copy for VS because it seems like a pretty easy job that you can do with those refrigerator magnets that have words on them if you buy the "sexy, flirty, strechy, lacy" expansion pack

Bryan: And keith just came to me and casually said: "Hey you know how you're not doing anything? Well wouldn't it be nice if Helix could make and transmit PDF files?"
Bryan: It would also be nice if it had an MMORPG inside it that hospital people could play and we could collect subscriptions


Bryan: I'm going to Orlando to hang out with my sister and her dumb kids this weekend
me: oh god
Bryan: yeah pretty sweet eh?
me: happy birthday, listen to some screaming!
why did you agree to that!
Bryan: on the plus side I'm one year older now so maybe I'll die soon

Bryan: yeah mount means to melt the butter while whisking on and off heat so it never gets to simmer or else all the acid makes the sauce turn to a motherfucking greek tragedy

HEY THIS HELIX IS GOLLY

Bryan: Oh lordie these people. Helix runs a GUI scripting interface, which means there's a computer that noone can touch because Helix uses the mouse and keyboard. So someone comes along and tries to use this computer to brows the web, but helix keeps trying to launch the hospital software so it can enter results
Bryan: so the enterprising webbrowsing individual uninstalls the hospital software to prevent it from popping up
Bryan: I guess the desktop wallpaper that said in big red letters DO NOT USE THIS MACHINE FOR ANY PURPOSE wasn't to their liking either because they changed that to the pretty windows hills
me: did they offer up all their stupid actions or did you have to give a questionnaire?
Bryan: no I looked around and found that someone ran the uninstaller over the weekend and prior to that and after that they were browsing the web looking for pot roast recipes
Bryan: So figure out who had pot roast on Sunday and you've got your person who should be fired for .... I dunno you just don't want someone who does that on your staff. Oh I need to make a latte so I'll unplug this respirator for a while

Bryan: but handsomest man ever who I will gladly caress with mouth, you ask, "Won't they freeze in a giant unthawable block?"
Stop you're making me blush, but that's right!
The solution being to lay the slices out on a sheet pan and freeze them then once they're hard you dump them into a freezer bag

senile shotguns

me: trivia question today was "how many stars on the american flag"
Bryan: 13! well and one for Haiti. oh wait 26 if you count the ones on the back too, and then 24 printed in invisible thread for our shadow provinces. So I guess that makes 50 total

me: HOW MANY AMERICAN STATES ARE THERE
Brian: At least 1.
Oh wait, I thought that said "How many american states hate me"
Jeez, I need caffiene

Brian: I'm sorry, the states are mostly useless!
Each state itself, not the country.
Brian: It's like why keep track, there's only 5 or 6 anyone ever wants to go to!

Brian: Haha, what a meathead. The only thing you should put in your mouth at parties is your own alcohol or other people's body parts.

baby, i do

Bryan: yeah apparently someone gave it to me friday night and its primary function is to make sure every solid and fluid in your body is forcibly ejected through an orifice every 30 minutes or so, starting at 5am
me: and you tell ME to stop sleeping with homeless people.
Bryan: he said he knew you

narco's show horses' names

Allah Alfalfa, in deference to the 9/11 Budweiser commercial
Commodore64
Time to Touch
Sir Loin
MC Clip Clop

chicachica

Bryan: LOL at technobeats
everything comes with technobeats now
Helix 2 point technobeats-o
me: vmmf vmmf vmmf vmmf IN-SERT BLOOD NOW vmmf vmmf vmmf vmmf NOW OXY-GEN READINGS vvmf vmmf vmmf vmmf WHAT IS PATIENT NAME OH YEAH YEAH vmmf vmmf vmmf cmmf
Bryan: Doot doot doot DATE Of birth oot ootoot
me: ERR-OR, ERR-OR, mmtzz mmtzz mmtzz mmtzz
Bryan: W-w-w-w-w-w-weeping

me: mike says i'm snobby sometimes!
Bryan: when are you snobby? you drink wine from an IV bag
Bryan: just because you like horses and tiaras doesn't mean you're snobby

a day at the office

coworker, talking to another coworker on the phone about a site visit on federal army land:

"no keys??!"
(pause)
"well can you break in?"
(pause)
"well do you have a sledgehammer?"

Mike: hmm, I almost quoted Pocahontas to a coworker
i forget such things are only valid in our world