34 x 2, we're not doing any testpits...

me: alllllso how do i tag people
Brian: You slap them on the back really hard yell "YOU'RE IT" and run like hell.

it's not unusual

Brian: My mom keeps forwarding me pictures of my little cousins school pictures, she's going to get me put onto some watch list.

Brian: Holy balls, I wish this program would restart so I can continue to be disappointed by it.

Mike: If I were a sex forecaster, I'd say you've got a 100% precipitation chance in the vicinity of his penis.

i see a brand

Bryan: the bar across the street is having a lingerie party next week
me: REALLY
what are you wearing?
Bryan: I wouldn't wank in there without shoes on, they place is filthy
*wank - walk

Brian: Was that an interesting and exciting story about your sister, my friend, a primitive data type and a pokemon?

SVRSLY?!

William: It's amazing how colourful life is when you have paranoia issues.

me: if someone linekd you this pic what would you think they were getting you to look at? http://imgur.com/5eXuQ.jpg
Bryan: I thought it was the 4th girl from the right's (top row) shoelaces seem incredibly long. That's what I noticed first
also why do so many people have their eyes closed?
me: apparently we're suppose to check out all the bewbs
i did not realize that
Bryan: well they should have photoshopped out the crazy shoelaces then

Bryan: I haven't yet met a woman I could not disappoint
me: oh please, my life is one long disappointment to men
can i have a blowjob? no. can i have one now? still no. how about now? it's been FIVE MINUTES and it's STILL NO.
see? lots of disappointment in a short time
Bryan: What they don't know is that it is an even bigger disappointment if you say yes.

well sure

Bryan: he also said that the worst thing that could happen on a date is if a woman peed on him

me: although to be fair i've accidentally peed on someone
Brian: Yeah, and they might not have liked it.
50/50 at least!

Mike: The women in Bryan's life: Redefining the word 'easy' every day.

belleville

Mike: God is very web 2.0
He tweets too
me: holy jesus you're kidding
Mike: God: "Totally just smote that guy on 5th street, I'm so bad "

the o.c.

me: but im' telling you that i was fearing for my life when i saw all that mould

Mike: You know what I do about that

MY FUCKING DISHES!

Bryan: there's an ad in Food n' Wine where it says "Scratch and sniff" and I spent a good minute trying to ascertain if it was a hoax before I fell for it

me: (678): so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

Mike: Makes sense to me

Explains why the churches seem to produce so many missionaries as well

britches

me: i'll have to mend my breeches, damn
thank god my mom just pulled my tall boots out of storage recently
Mike: "mend my breeches" wtf is this, Little House on the Prairie?

it's easy, mmkay

Bryan: I hope my houseguests do not wander around my apartment while I sleep and read the note on my desk

or any of the notes left by other houseguests, like the one that says "Thx 4 the good time, get checked"

Bryan: I never did because get checked for what? High cholesterol? Scoliosis? Late onset albinoism? The note is unclear in this matter!

are wheat having fun yet?

me: good lord is today wednesday?
Bryan: I don't know they're all dark and lonely for me

quiet redneck mountain town

me: "to ensure the protection of the environment and __________"
waht's the word?
pplz?
peeps?
persons?
civilians?
locals?
Brian: Gophers.

Marco: madison, wisconsin
me: JESUS
me: you want to die from snow inhalation?!
Marco: it's a supar good school though
me: cuz for 9 months of the year you can't leave the building so you might as well study