Tuesday, April 28, 2009

the newfies

Charlene: they have a big arse dog here
they say he's a lab
but i think he's a tank in disguise
or a pony

Monday, April 27, 2009

golly!

me: maybe we need GPS tracking chips in our necks!
Eugene: they track people on parole with a chip in a bracelet on the ankle
me: oooh should we do that?
Eugene: I do not indend to rob a police station...not so brave.

Friday, April 24, 2009

i won't back down!

Bryan: rawrg I hate people.
"Can you have a look at this?"
what's wrong with it?
"Can't you just look at it?"
I'm looking at it right now
"And what do you see?"
Iiiiiii seeeeee.... a computer?
"haha no really"
what am I looking for?
"just look!"

Bryan: I can see that their machine is on the verge of #$*#@ing its pants right now because there are 237 "This program has caused an illegal function and must be terminated" dialogs up right now
me: ahhahaa
"oh i see the problem"
"do you??"
"yes! there are illegal functions going on!"
"what do i do??"
Bryan: pass a law to make the functions legal!

me: i wonder if we have tissue farms
Mike: I have a mental image of longs rows of kleenexes sticking out of the ground

me: if she's a horsegirl i resign
or will beat her downone of the two
Bryan: she's probably into something cooler like dragons or spelunking

me: oh dear my coworker just caught me doing the "bunnyrabbit" at my desk
Bryan: the kind with the vibarator?
me: errrrrrr no
the embarrassing dance move
Bryan: the one that ends da da da da da DOMP DOMP DOMP
question mark
me: no the one that has bunny rabbit paws and bobbing up and down in your seat and thrusting your chest back and forth while doing the gooseneck
Bryan: I'm glad they caught you, you should be ashamed
me: says the guy who spilled water doing the eggbeater!

Mike: NUDE CODING
CAREFUL, YOUR JUNK COULD GET CAUGHT IN THE COMPILER
Bryan: there's a certain amount of professionalism lost in that statement, and that amount is TOTAL

Thursday, April 23, 2009

the prettification

me: so i'll be painting your office next week maybe
chris: will you be drinking?
me: is that a real question?
willy: get one of those extender poles so you don't have to climb ladders and die
me: oh tat's a great idea!
willy: also a lifejacket. not that i think you'll drown in a bucket of paint but to provide maximum cushion when you topple over from the combo of three bottles of red wine and paint fumes.

me: oh no! i should have got the paint colour called "Starlet"
it would be more me
uhoh... it's followed by "falling star"
WHAT IS THIS PAINT CHIP TELLING ME
graham: double as tarot cards

me: wow this paint chip is telling hte entire lifestory of a fame-hungry blonde who moved to hollywood
starts off with "jersey cream," with which she shot to fame
followed by "starlet" in her other adult movies
"plenty" is what she was enjoying in her heyday
but then she got older... and became a "falling star"
now she's in her "golden day" which is really a euphemism for SUNSET which is UR OLD

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

You dance all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.

Mike: so the men's bathroom here has a half wall that separates the sink from the urinal and toilet stalls

and it's large enough that you can't tell if someone is at the urinal until you're past the wall

I say all this to give context when i say this: there's something slightly disturbing about walking up behind another man reaching for your zipper.

Friday, April 17, 2009

my nubbin

Mike: if a nudist was a nazi, would you call them a nudzi?

me: but how will i prepare for celebrations if i don't know what we're doing?!
Marco: UNIWEAR! good in any situation!
me: no but i mean what shall i pick up!
Marco: biddies
mos def
me: age pref?
Marco: 10
me: dude biddy is over 65
Marco: we'll slick their hair back to make 'em look younger
me: "aieee! not my BLUEWASH!!"

Mike: nail polish!
who wants to nail a polish guy anyways!

me: okay, list of things that involved in my night at april's tonight:
1) bacon
2) a bedazzler
3) mccain's deep'n'delicious cake
4) port
5) nail polish
Bryan: Is a deep and delicious cake what I think it is wink wink?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

need more badassery!

me: so then i yelled at a coworker while brandishing a phone menacingly
April: good for you
menace if and when you have to
that's what Jack Bristow would do
WWJBD

Friday, April 3, 2009

we can do anything!

Bryan: "How big is the database?"
Sales Guy: "Infinite"
Bryan: I'd better get one of those wormhole hard drives that stores data in all alternate realities simultaneuously

me: what's your take on someone feeding you?
Bryan: too much work. Plus what's the point? If they wanted to be doing something for me they should be *@#&$ing my #$%#!@!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

ftw?

scattergories category: "things in a desert"

april: layers
me: ... what?
april: layers. like cakes, tiramisu, etc
me: things in a desert?
april: desert? oh DESERT! oh well that's not a dessert at all.

customer: "What is the name of the system we're connected to there?"
Bryan: I don't know
c: "I need to put it in this document"
B: well ask them because I don't know.
c: "So you have no idea at all?"
B: nooooooo
c: "Because I need to fill out this form"
Bryan (to me): I've found that if I just ignore him and sit quietly he'll just talk to himself and I don't even have to be involved

CapnBry says:
NASPAW
Invictus says:
AHAHAHA
i laugh out loud at that, it's disturbing
i ran into this friend from high chool at the movies the other day
and like a minute in to the conversation i was like HAVE YOU SEEN SPACE DOGGIES?!?!
and proceeded to tell her all about it
i wish i was making this story up
because in retrospect i sound fucking batty
CapnBry says:
your friends must always be in a hurry to get somewhere else

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

there is no country that begins with "w"

Robert: Vatican - do you count it as "Vatican City"or as "The Holy See"
me: vc
the holy see cracks me up though
Robert: what happened to the holy hear?
and the holy touch?
me: the holy smell imo
Robert: and the holy taste
well, I guess the altar boys know about that one!