Friday, February 27, 2009

Rick Astly, now THAT is some synthpop

Bryan: But this is a pretty bad version
sometimes they're good but this had as much effort put into it as I put into maintaining a relationship

this is the single funniest remix i have ever heard in my life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7LAZE1Omfw&feature=related

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

regarding vampires

Eugene: that should be enough. we can go by car and/or train
i have not googeearth moldova. or transylvania. there are some tall mountains there..
maybe we can stay with some peasants and drink fresh goats milk or blood, whichever is offered
and rush about in wooden cloggs
and have a wooden peg ready, just in case


me: hey!
chris: hey...
me: where are you?
chris: loeb, why? do you need nutella?
me: ketchup chips!
chris: ... there are only two things in your office, and i guessed the wrong one.


From a Russian etiquette site:
"Russians are hooligans. It's not because we're bad - we just like everything extraordinary. But too often we don't express this feeling enough, so when it comes out, it's like a volcanoe. That's why you hear our tourists singing folk songs at 3am and that's why we make a revolution every 80 years."

Monday, February 23, 2009

inanity

me: do you ever smell feet?
erm like randomly
like get a waft of feet
Mike: haha sure
me: i don't think it's my feet
whose feet are stinking up my office?
Mike: you're in your office...it's your feet
you can't push that on someone else, get some foot deoderant
me: no i just smelled them, it's not them
Mike: shoes?
me: maybe it's something else that SMELLS like feet
feet smell suspiciously like cheese
maybe someone is eating cheese
Mike: is it Gouda?
LOL I SO FUNNY
me: ahahaha i wouldn't have got that that was a joke if you hadn't written that
Mike: yeah i realized after i read it that it made no sense when not verablized

Sunday, February 22, 2009

"the man who wrote that... is dead"

Invictus says:
lots of fat people in tampa?
Bry says:
a fucking ton, which actually isn;t that many considering their weight

Friday, February 20, 2009

okay this might not be funny but...

this is the COOLEST THING EVER.

http://www.chemdoodle.com/google2.php?gclid=CMio5MrE65gCFQIyxwod_myQ0Q

Charlene: this makes people smile, and laugh, and cheers them up when then deal with obsolete buildings ALL DAY LONG. and national histoiric sites that are HILLS. where are the boundaries of a hill, for cripe's sake?maybe every hill should have a moat so as to define the boundaries of the hill. Then, however, there would be problems as to which side of the moat, and also...what about factoring erosion?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

wtf, why did it change to double-spaced halfway through?

me: Curiously, one component of breast milk is something that infants cannot digest: oligosaccharides. Research in the last few years has shown that these oligosaccharides stimulate particular bacteria in the intestine, which is a beneficial process. "The mother is recruiting another life form to baby-sit the infant," German said
cool and creepy!
Mike: i recruit other life forms to babysit all the time
Purple dinosaurs

Mike: what do you mean by "in front of"?

i prefer privacy when using the restroom at all times, but if i really have to go i wont' force her out of the bathroom or anything

but i'm not like "HEY BABY WATCH THIS, I CAN SPELL MY NAME IN THE WATER"

me: okay, creepiest couple

r.kelly and dakota fanning

Mike: LOL

good one

dunno if i can top that

Michael Jackson and MacCauley Culkin

me: AHAHAH


Mike: okay, so missing the bowl
i would agree that in general this is unacceptable
the only times i would think this is okay
1. You're pretty much asleep, or barely awake and you either:
a) have your eyes mostly closed
b) don't turn on the lights
2. I've missed the bowl when i was screwing around, like trying to flush while urinating to speed up the process or something
so yeah
STAND STILL
cardinal rule numero uno

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

OH HAI GUYZ!

every day i giggle to myself in my head. multiple times. multiple times... a minute. shit just CRACKS ME UP. mostly it's conversations with other people but sometimes it's headlines, comments on blogs, or a random thought. i'm tired of linking all the funny things in my day to april and mike (and 'im sure they're sick of receiving them) so here we have it! random postings, on random days, for you to randomly amuse yourself.

here's a bunch to get you started, collected over the last while...

!k



Bryan: Last night I dreamed that we got all dressed up in nice clothes and went to the opera. We went to see Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, except it was Carmina Brieana and as you might have guessed it was all dancing cheese. All I got to see was "Oh Fontina!" (which is good because that's really the only movement I know) before I got arrested for putting bass and treble controls on my Zune.
me: DANCING CHEESE
Bryan: You clapped with much enthusiasm
Bryan: all the latin words had cheese names in them. I'm not sure what they were singing but there were definite english cheesewords
me: AHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA
TOO EFFING GLORIOUS
Bryan: oh I mean to say they were people dressed as cheese, not like actual anamorphic cheese
me: oh. still glorious!!!


me: i would like to go to afghanistan
Mike: umm...war?
me: i want to see what it actually is, not the media's skewed perception
Mike: how tall are you?
me: 5'6"
why?
Mike: just you and your sister look fairly tall in your photos
and i had images of you walking through an Afhgani village surrounded by little people
like some pasty white savior of afhganistan
me: AHAHAHAHAH


Bryan: yeah it probably needs more lazers or something. the siemens thing I was in this morning had zomg lazers everywhere
I'm not sure if I went to the doctor's office or a rave. You can get barium at both
me: AHAHAHA
"pssst... want some barium?"
Bryan: they put it in their glowsticks
me: and when they get thirsty... handy!
Bryan: or if they're going for a contrast CT!
after the party
me: barium makes me yeah think of nuclear medicine
is it that cold stuff?
i hate the cold stuff that you can feel in your veins
Bryan: No that's heroin
me: LOL
i was roofied in Wing H!
Bryan: My word!


Bryan: google.com/latitude
me: and i mean how does it know?
it tracks your ip or waht's going on here?
Bryan: I put it on my phone so I assume it uses a spy satellite focused on the top of my bald head


me: but i mean reservations are for 7 and he hasn't even called to confirm so wtf
i mean WTF
Bryan: that's no excuse, hope you take that guy back to the jerk store where you got him. Hey the jerk store called, they're out of YOU!


Bryan: you don't have to go out with all of them though, I mean I know you're a nice person but sometimes you just gotta draw the line when the guy brings a book to a date or like speaks exclusively of his Plenty Of Fish exploits
me: or shows me a video of his car engine revving?
it was at that point (10 minutes in) that i knew it was doomed
Bryan: vroom vroom vroom I kinda like that guy
me: well you can have him
harrumph
Bryan: Homogenized? No, I like the ladies!
What videos do you have on your phone to show this guy tonight?
I mean if you're not going to have a good time, you should at least prepare to have the worst time


Bryan: but you are free to pleasure the company of another man
me: i don't want to pleasure another man, i kind of want all men to diaf
Bryan: I said the pleasure of your company, not pleasure the man!
Me: the whole company!
i hope there are some interns
Bryan: You need to have your ears checked, and your mouth because this is all typing so you had to read it then say it then hear it wrong


Bryan: Why is covert the opposite of overt and they just added a C in front of it. Should be novert or something
I mean you can't negate irregardless with simple C. Cirregardless? Wtf is that


me: i've come to the conclusion that i'm no longer young and pretty enough to be quirkily adorable and have veered into whacko woman territory
Bryan: Oh then make sure you bring a HUGE purse
PM me: and a cat or three
or knitting!!!


me: do you say "bah-NAHHL" or "BAY-nal" for banal?
Bryan: banal like narwhal
me: barn-all, got it


Bryan: Customer: "I have this problem that happens like this..."
Me: "Oh you have option X set to 1, set it to 2"
Customer "Ok" (an hour passes) "It's still doing it"
Me: "Did you sure you set X to 2?"
Customer: "How do I do that? I have no idea what you're talking about"
So when I asked them to do it before... and they obviously didn't... how did they expect things would change?
Bryan: "It is still doing it"
Did you change X to 2?
"No."
/facepalm
"do I TYPE 2?
wtf no download a 2 and put it in there. YES TYPE 2


project manager (mine): "Or as my brother told his son…..put the swimmers anywhere but in her hoohaa. He even said, in her face, on her back, on the wall, in the shower…..anywhere, but in her hoohaa. That was to his 13 year old son. "


Bryan: black diamonds wtf are those?
me: pretty is what they are
Bryan: sounds made up, like when someone says "head cheese" it certainly isn't cheese at all and I think that's along the same lines
me: there are black, chocolate, blue, champagne, and canary diamonds, you know that right?
Bryan: No there are only clear diamonds as far as I am concerned
me: false, the other ones are much more expensive and rare
Bryan: are they made from real diamonds?
me: they ARE diamonds!


Bryan: Trivial fact: In the operating system "Solaris", free kernel memory pages are filled with deadbeef
me: there's something so glorious about your obsession with 32 bits
it's honestly adorable
Bryan: I work with a lot of bits
you can also spell A BAD BABE, FEEDFACE, and DISEASE if you spell it D15EA5E
me: i definitely like FEEDFACE
excuse me, i need to FEEDFACE now
Bryan: make some toast?
me: i... don't know what that would be
but i think it makes me uncomfortable
Bryan: I assume it involves your toaster
me: hootenanny!
Bryan: and who has a 1-slot toaster? the analogy is terrible


Bryan: There's this link on these folks's VPN that says "Do NOT click this unless instructed to by the CHS staff!!!" that many exclamation points and so much NOT makes me really want to
me: AHAHAH
i totally would too
say it was an accident
it should be subtle and hard to find, not a giant pop-up screaming at you
Bryan: I bet if I click it it will say "We told you not to"
me:
Bryan: in the toaster?
me: don't talk about my toaster that way! you know i'm scared of the syph
Bryan: Well then you probably shouldn't leave it on the counter!


me: also dude omg, a toaster is NOT a gun according to urban dictionary
Bryan: Also, it IS according to urban dictionary
me: oh lol there are more pages, got it
Bryan: lol "...due to the fact the slits are alike". Yes they are exactly alike
on my robot girlfriend!
me: ahahaha that's the one i saw and laughed
i'm totally going to refer to female parts as toasters now


me: quick, what were the lyrics about toasters and tellies?
Bryan: "and I aint in the hood with my toast out loc'n, I'm in the telly workin up a sweat strokin"


me: Jamaica has an army?
Bryan: I guess Jamaica needs to protect their borders right
me: from pirates
Bryan: And Volcanos!
me: and marmosets!
Bryan: And to protect the koala bears from people punching them in the face
That may sound like something really mean but they had it on a commerical last night
me: wtf?!
Bryan: And I laughed because he was so shocked
me: people punch koalas?!
Bryan: yeah he was all GASP
me: ahahahahaha
the koala was so stuffed
i thought you meant real
Bryan: oh no who would hit a real koala that's an awful thing to do


Bryan: No they couldn't fit me in so I'm screwed until wednesday
me: well that's one nice thing about prviate health care
here we wait a few months
i mean sure it's free, but i might be dead by then!
maybe that's how we keep our population in check
Bryan: yeah that's what I'm sayin'. I mean what if there's something wrong in there? I guess if I start passing out I can go to the ER
that's how they measure your resolve


me: if you could buy one thing from the grocery store RIGHT NOW, what would it be?
Bryan: soap


Bryan: bout time what did you do go to the grocery store and get some ketchup and potatoes and make your own chips?
me: no, i kneecapped a lady in a headscarf because she counted out like $34 in dimes
Bryan: what's on your dime? Eisenhower?
me: the bluenose!
Bryan: is that a really cold kelsa?


do you ever read the names of spam senders?
Bryan: yes it is much fun
me: "Azzie Kay," "Myrna Land,"Elda Emilia"
Bryan: I sometimes try to figure out what the subjects would look like too
me: "Annie Ho," "Ellamae Ria,' "Gwendolyn Fannie"
i like gwendolyn fannie personally
Bryan: like "Get ahead with a new d1ploma!" and I imagine a guy sitting at an interview all beaming and happy and the interviewer is sitting behind is desk with a "wtf" look looking down at a d1ploma on his desk and not a diploma
me: L O L
i always hear that as "dIP!loma"
or "pEEN!is"
it's like a blip of high-pitched shock in the middle of a word
Bryan: haha oh I see you just think someone forgot to hit shift
me: yeah i think my brain makes that leap
Bryan: I think of it as a fun way to say the word. Pen one es
me: d'one ploma?
very caribbean
Bryan: haha I reminds me of Count D'Money from history of the world
(Part 1)


Bryan: and many fine dining establishments. I made cheese sauce with nutmeg for dinner last night. My fingers have never tasted so good!
well recently anyway
me: I DISLIKE NUTMEG
whoa caps
Bryan: You don't have to tell me that any more, I'm only keeping a list of things you like from now on because the hate list has filled up my hard drives


me: "Over 3,000 people each year lose a finger in an accident with a table saw"
Bryan: that's a lot of missing fingers
me: over 3000!